A Discussion With Artemis Fowl
by OmegaXis8009
Summary: I challenge Artemis Fowl II to a argument, I'm probably going to a mental hospital after this...


**A/N:**** First of all, I don't own anything in this piece of writing, except for myself. Second, this is the final version of the story so I will be different the other chapters.**

**Artemis: **Knight to F-6 *moves chess piece* Check and mate.

**Kevin**: ... *in utter shock*

**Artemis**: *Takes a sip of Earl Grey tea* Can you not comprehend that you lost?

**Kevin**: Yes, however, I can't believe that I lost in 7 moves.

**Artemis**: Well, you did not have a good strategy, there was hesitation in your mind, and hesitation is one of your worst enemies.

**Kevin**: I see.

**Artemis**: I honestly think that you do not.

**Kevin**: You, honest? I somehow doubt that.

**Artemis**: Why do you say that?

**Kevin**: Consider the things that you do that your parents don't know about?

**Artemis**: How DO YOU know about them?

**Kevin**: let's just say my connections have connections to connections to your connections.

**Artemis**: Oh really? I don't believe you.

**Kevin**: Well, people are meant to be secrets, aren't we? YOU of all people should know.

**Kevin: **At least your father is honest, unlike you.

**Artemis**: Nonsense, most people say that I take after my father.

**Kevin**: Well, maybe before, but certainly not anymore.

**Artemis**: Are you insinuating that I am not like my father?

**Kevin**: No, I am STATING that you are no longer like your father.

**Artemis**: Oh, so you must be not like your parents either.

**Kevin**: Of course. (Lying)

**Artemis**: Really? *suspiciously*

**Kevin**: I am offended that you would think that I am not telling the truth. *insincerely*

**Artemis**: Well, the way that you lecture your little brother is very similar to the way your mother lectures you.

**Kevin**: Well that does... hey, wait a minute, how do you know that?

**Artemis**: Well, it appears that you are spying on me, so I did the same.

**Kevin**: What did you do!

**Artemis**: I simply pulled a military satellite out of orbit and programmed it to do some surveillance on you.

**Kevin**: *FACEPALM*

**Kevin**: I don't know what to say to that.

**Artemis**: Maybe because your IQ is much lower than mine.

**Kevin**: I don't think there's any need to insult my intelligence.

**Artemis**: How would I insult something that doesn't exist?

**Kevin**: No... I suppose not. *smiling angrily*

**Artemis**: You know harbouring emotions like that is not healthy for your mind.

**Kevin: **MY MIND IS PERFECTLY FINE!

**Artemis**: Sure it is.

A few minutes of silent rage, insults, and small talk later... (Not in that order)

**Kevin: **Anyways, I am not like my parents, they are completely different.

**Artemis**: Really? That's not what the surveillance says...

**Kevin**: Forget the surveillance; my parents are close-minded, tightly wounded people while I am the opposite of them.

*A cell phone rings*

**Artemis**: Excuse me I have to take this, it's important. * goes into another room*

**Kevin**: *yells* AARRUUGGHHH!

**Kevin**: *whispers* God I hope he didn't hear that.

Kevin: Hmmm, since he infiltrates my privacy, maybe I should do the same...

*looks through shelves, drawers, etc.*

**Kevin**: What's this, a book?

**Kevin**: With all these spelling mistakes, this must be a translation

**Kevin: **I'll just look through this a bit...

_**The Booke of the People**_

_Being Instructions to Our Magicks_ _and Life Rules. Carry me always, carry me well. I am thy teacher of herb and spell. I am thy link to power arcane. Forget me and thy magick shall wane. Ten times Ten Commandments there be. They will answer every mystery. Cures, curses, alchemy. These secrets shall be thine, through me. But, Fairy, remember this above all. I am not for those in mud that crawl. And forever doomed shall be the one,_ _who betrays my secrets one by one._

One word attracted more attention than all of the others: "fairy"

**Kevin**: Oh my, fairies? *surprised look*

*doorknob jiggles*

**Kevin**: Damn, he's coming back * hides book in pocket*

**Artemis**: Sorry, there was an important business call. *puts the phone on the desk*

**Kevin**: Oh no, it's ok.

**Artemis**: Right, what were you saying before?

**Kevin**: I was saying how my parents are not like me, and now you provide your side of the argument.

**Artemis**: All the proof I need is the surveillance videos of you.

**Kevin**: You know something; all I know about these videos are from what you said with no physical proof, how do I know you're not making it up?

**Artemis**: I can show you it. Would you like to see it?

**Kevin**: Oh yes I would.

*shows him the videos*

**Kevin**: Oh my God, you really did it.

**Artemis**: Why yes I did.

**Kevin**: You got everything, right down to the bathroom breaks.

**Artemis**: Do be careful with it, it's the only copy.

**Kevin**: Really? It be a shame if something happened to it.

*Snaps the disk in half*

**Kevin**: Whoops, they make really fragile disks nowadays don't they?

**Artemis**: By the way, I lied, that's not the only copy, and I have several more of them.

**Kevin**: Can I see those too?

**Artemis**: No.

**Kevin**: *mutters* Dammit.

**Kevin**: Well, putting that aside, you still haven't presented proof that you actually take after your father.

**Artemis**: Well, do you have proof that I do not?

**Kevin**: Well, you are attempting to restore the family fortune by any means necessary, while your father is actually doing it through more... legal ways.

**Artemis**: Yes, but that also proves that we both care about the family business.

**Kevin**: *mutters* although one of you seems to take it way too seriously

**Artemis**: Hm, did you say something?

**Kevin**: No...

**Artemis**: Well, hurry and make your point, I have something to take care of.

**Kevin**: Of course, I have a pie of decisive evidence that you do not take after your father...

**Artemis**: Oh Really? I would like to see this evidence.

**Kevin**: *reaches inside pocket and pulls out the book* Here is the evidence that you do not take after your father! Take that!

**Artemis**: The book! *whispers* I knew I forgot one of them.

**Kevin**: If you are like your father, then why are you involved with fairies? Your father is trying hard to restore the family fortune through legal dealings, while you're off doing who-knows-what with fairies? Kidnapping them for ransom!

**Artemis**: ...

**Artemis**: I see, you made your point, I have call to make.

Kevin: All right then, I shall take my leave.

Artemis: Good bye, I hope you won't tell anyone about the whole fairy topic? *vampire grin*

**Kevin**: Oh no, of course not... *suspicious*

**Kevin**: *opens the door and exits*

**Artemis**: Oh dear, it seems that the LEP is going to have to take care of him...

*Just outside the door*

**Kevin**: *ear pressed against the door* Hmm I can barely make out some of the words...

**Artemis**: Holly...situation...existence...LEP...wipe him...disastrous...

**Kevin**: Damn, what is he saying?

**Butler**: Excuse me, Mr. Lian. Your escort vehicle is here.

**Kevin**: *frightened* Oh yes, I shall be taking my leave then. *walks away quickly*

**Butler**: *Enters study* It seems that the guest has a very curious mind, Artemis.

**Artemis**: I wouldn't worry about him; he won't be like that for much longer. *smiling devilishly*

***A Few days later***

Location_: Inside Kevin's quarters_

_Toronto, Ontario_

Time: Tuesday July 20, 2010 4:00AM

**Artemis**: Is the machine set up yet?

**Foaly**: Almost, just got to charge it a bit more.

**Holly**: Well hurry up, unless you want to be aboveground when the sun rises?

**Foaly**: Ah there we go, when was your meeting with him again, Artemis?

**Artemis**: July 15, around 3 in the afternoon.

**Foaly**: OK... July 15...3:00PM... There we go, commencing wiping in 3...2...

**Holly**: Oh for Frond's sake, would you hurry it up already!

**Foaly**: Well excuse me for trying to be a bit more dramatic.

**Holly**: Well we're not in some kind of play, now get on with it.

**Artemis**: Excuse me, I BELIEVE that you have a more important matter to attend to?

**Foaly**: Oh keep quiet, you're not my mother.

**Artemis**: I am offended that you are comparing me to your mother.

**Foaly**: you're right Fowl; I'll have to apologize to my mother when I get back to haven.

**Holly**: If you keep chatting like that, you're not going back to haven, now get on with it.

**Foaly**: Right, activating mind wipe now...

*A moment later*

**Foaly**: There, finished, let's pack up and get to the shuttle.

***Time: 7:45 AM***

**Kevin**: *Gets up* Why does my room smell like a horse with a hint of child prodigy? And something else... it smells like...no wait, that's still the horse.

**A/N: Please review! You know you want to...**


End file.
